Happy Now
“If I don’t let myself be happy now, then when?”
-quoted from one of the greatest bands of all time, Jimmy Eat World.
But really, think about it, “If I don’t let myself be happy now, then when?”
I have spent my entire life basing my happiness on everyone else’s happiness.
I am incredibly self aware and incredibly empathetic.
This combination predisposes me to focus entirely on the people around me. Are they happy? Are they comfortable? Are they at ease? Are they having a good time? Should I be acting differently to accommodate their needs?
This combination also allows me to ignore my own feelings in the name of empathy. I get so focused on how someone else must be feeling, that I ignore every warning signal my brain is giving me.
Add in a narcissistic relationship and you have the makings of a real disaster.
I learned the hard way that boundaries for me are everything. I am allowed to have my own feelings and opinions and I am allowed to voice them and it doesn’t make me “crazy”.
My feelings are valid.
I suppose that I finally found a little empathy for myself.
So now what?
I spent 11 years being conditioned to doubt everything.
How do I navigate relationships in this post narcissist world? What do relationships even look like?Will a relationship effect my ability to parent? What does dating with kids look like? Do I even ever want to be married again?
There’s no easy answer. It’s literally blind faith for me at this point and an internal struggle of my empath brain and my once shattered, cynical heart.
But if I don’t let myself be happy now, then when will I?
I owe it to myself to be happy. I spent years being miserable.
No one deserves that kind of life.
If I want to perform community theater, write a book, travel the world, hand out flowers to strangers, sit on the ground with homeless friends just to talk for a while, take up crocheting, dance in my kitchen while I’m cooking dinner, visit Harry Potter World, or sing in a band, I should be able to do all of those things without anger and eye rolls and the silent treatment.
And that’s the beauty here. For once I don’t care about what other people must be thinking or feeling.
I don’t care if my happiness doesn’t match what brings you happiness.
I’m not you.
You’re not me.
I get to choose.
I can’t think of any better form of self care than just letting yourself be happy.
Awkwardly yours,
Meg
-quoted from one of the greatest bands of all time, Jimmy Eat World.
But really, think about it, “If I don’t let myself be happy now, then when?”
I have spent my entire life basing my happiness on everyone else’s happiness.
I am incredibly self aware and incredibly empathetic.
This combination predisposes me to focus entirely on the people around me. Are they happy? Are they comfortable? Are they at ease? Are they having a good time? Should I be acting differently to accommodate their needs?
This combination also allows me to ignore my own feelings in the name of empathy. I get so focused on how someone else must be feeling, that I ignore every warning signal my brain is giving me.
Add in a narcissistic relationship and you have the makings of a real disaster.
I learned the hard way that boundaries for me are everything. I am allowed to have my own feelings and opinions and I am allowed to voice them and it doesn’t make me “crazy”.
My feelings are valid.
I suppose that I finally found a little empathy for myself.
So now what?
I spent 11 years being conditioned to doubt everything.
How do I navigate relationships in this post narcissist world? What do relationships even look like?Will a relationship effect my ability to parent? What does dating with kids look like? Do I even ever want to be married again?
There’s no easy answer. It’s literally blind faith for me at this point and an internal struggle of my empath brain and my once shattered, cynical heart.
But if I don’t let myself be happy now, then when will I?
I owe it to myself to be happy. I spent years being miserable.
No one deserves that kind of life.
If I want to perform community theater, write a book, travel the world, hand out flowers to strangers, sit on the ground with homeless friends just to talk for a while, take up crocheting, dance in my kitchen while I’m cooking dinner, visit Harry Potter World, or sing in a band, I should be able to do all of those things without anger and eye rolls and the silent treatment.
And that’s the beauty here. For once I don’t care about what other people must be thinking or feeling.
I don’t care if my happiness doesn’t match what brings you happiness.
I’m not you.
You’re not me.
I get to choose.
I can’t think of any better form of self care than just letting yourself be happy.
Awkwardly yours,
Meg
Comments
Post a Comment