I am happy, and he is not.

This weekend, as I witnessed the relationship between my best friend and her ex husband, I lamented, I wish I had that.

I wish things could be normal. 

But that is not the case, and might never be the case.   

I deal with a man who is hell bent on seeing me fail.

Who holds my children over my head like a prize that he could rip away from me at any moment. Who seeks every opportunity to employ the abusive, manipulative tactics he used while we were married. 

Who cheers for my defeat, like I am some mythical dragon he must slay.

Who wants to see me fall on my face.  

Every day, he blames me for leaving. 

He grills my children on their activities and where they are, what they're doing when they're with me. 

He uses the guise of my children's well being to harass me.

He keeps notes of my whereabouts. 

Every day, I wonder when the next shoe will drop. 

Every day, I wonder what he will try to use against me.

Every day, I wonder why he is doing this. 

The answer is simple. 

I am happy, and he is not. 

I am pursuing my dreams. I am constantly working to be a better person, a better mother. 

I work two jobs, that I love.

I am playing music, and being paid to do it, a literal dream come true. 

I am thriving.

My children are thriving. 

So, what better way to tear someone apart, then by constantly leaving them in fear that nothing they ever do will be "right". 

Making them doubt their abilities, question every choice, every action. 

The cycle of mental abuse is hard to overcome. 

I spent 10 years justifying my entire life. 

It's a hard habit to break.

My brain screams at me, deescalate!! 

When in actuality, I just need to ask one simple question..

"Why do you want to see the mother of your children fail?" 

Awkwardly yours, 

Meg